i don't wanna
i don't wanna
i don't wanna wait in vain

migs and i were talking about bob marley's song earlier this morning while waiting for multimedia class.. and how we like the original version better than annie lennox's. little did i know that i would do my own share of waiting. paulo's at work, he's got overtime and he doesn't know what time he'll finish pa. ohwell. i've just discovered tabulas! shempre because of migs. i don't really know what i'll do with my blogger account, since almost a year of my emotional rollercoaster is there.. it's hard to leave it behind. hay. ohwell.

but as my 2003 forecast says, big changes. and tabulas, with all its cool functions and features, is a welcome change.

just came home from my saturday class. we're only seven in the class. cool. eh kritisismong pampanitikan ng pilipinas ba naman ang course title, what would you expect? hehe. but i like small classes. you get to know people well and there's always the pressure to excel because everybody will notice if you slack off. have to read two books in two weeks though. hay.

my boyfriend does not trust me with his stuff. he thinks im a nosy bitch. he didn't tell me that to my face of course but i really think that he feels that way. ohwel. im a little mad. and sad at the same time. ohwel. ohwel.

ang trafik sa marcos hi-way! oo na inaamin ko na! sobrang pissed ako!

i have been listening to the songs from the last five years over the weekend. i borrowed the cd from tatay JQ last friday and i'm hooked. ang ganda ng songs. i liked it so much, i had booktopia order the libretto for me.

paulo and i fought last night. it's all my fault. me and my crazy suspicions. i think i really pissed him off this time. we're not okay. and unlike before na okay na kami the morning after, everything is a little shaky today. sometimes when we're all dreamy and mushy, we talk about settling down in five years. i wonder if we even get to last that long. :'c

i'm going to mass in a while. it's the only place where i can find comfort right now.

Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting

im still hung up on the last five years cd. it's been playing in my discman for the past two days now. and the lines i posted above is so paulo right now. we were able to talk this evening pero everything is still hanging. i didn't want to put the phone down without fixing things, but i couldn't force it. paulo was right when he said that he feels that things will probably change because of the incident sunday night.

tears are welling up in my eyes and im trying real hard not to let them fall. i really wish we can talk in person but he'll be going out tomorrow. things have really changed. before he'd drop everything just so we can see each other and straighten things out.

i wish i am wrong in thinking all of these. i wish i didn't feel like im slowly losing him. i wish i knew what to do to fix things. i wish i didn't feel anything at all. then it would all be easy.

letter to ling, anthony l. tan

my will is not the earth's magnetic core
it cannot keep things where i want them to be.
my world has suffered an implosion,
but unlike a black hole,
it does not attract what i desire.

im writing to tell you
how like my falling hair
things are falling away from me.
indeed, like a tired planet,
i have lost my gravity.
and as i whirl daily in space,
like one marooned,
things are flying away from me.
i have been flying too,
flying towards you,
but it only gives me this vertigo.

tonight, across the light years of your absence,
the silence in this room is made palpable
by the rasping of amorous lizards on the wall.


i don't know if it ever happens to you, but there are times wheni cannot put to words how im feeling. so i borrowed somebody else's just so i can try to begin to grasp what has been happening and what might happen between me and him.

i am so bored. have to study for finance tomorrow but financial performance and cash flows don't interest me at all. for the nth time i ask myself why i am in a management course. and for the nth time too, i'd tell myself that it's more practical. nyahnyah.

36 days till Christmas! pau's not going to the states anymore! wahoo. hehe. im going christmas shopping on saturday. excited! hehe. im not really materialistic, but then i listed down the stuff i'd like for christmas. *hint,hint*

~external floppy drive for my laptop
~the sex and the city: kiss and tell book. hot pink synthetic leather cover.. woweee..
~high fidelity by nick hornby.
~an astrud gilberto cd
~meet joe black dvd
~bob marley compilation! somebody borrowed mine and it never came back.
~a fluid surf backpack, yung parang gumamela design. hehe.
~carnations. wala pang nagbibigay sakin ng carnations ever.

i can't think of anything else right now. hay. all i really wish for is world peace. seryoso! o sige kung masyado mahirap yun, puede bang wag na lang tumakbo si FPJ?

i remember a cd compilation my brother had some years back.. it was entitled saturday morning and it had songs from the morning cartoons of the 80's. wala lang. it's a saturday morning obviously but im not hearing cartoon jingles. eternal flame is blasting from the radio of the carpenters next door. followed by "kailangan pa bang imemorize yan?" darn it.

i baked choklit cupcakes yesterday with aisa and eira. i wanted to give pau's mom a little something kase. gawd, i didn't know baking can be that time consuming! i was super late tuloy, as in! sobrang kakahiya. hay. if i had only known that things will turn out that way, i should have bought na lang! hay. but as aisa said, "kahit ano namang reklamo mo, we know na mahal mo talaga si paulo."

true, true. nuff of this. im gonna take a bath na and we'll be off to shang in a while.

darn. me nagkakaraoke sa kapitbahay kanina pa! they have been singing songs from the local bands of the mid 90s. wah! rivermaya, eraserheads, and color it red overload. it wouldn't be as bad if they had voices that could pass off as rico blanco with a sorethroat. try rico blanco screaming for dear life and it wouldn't even come close. ohwel. enough ranting.

the guy is singing panahon na naman ng pag-ibig by rivermaya. i know that song cos i had that album. haha. yup, the one with kisapmata, when bamboo was still around. haha brings back memories of my grade school days and my first boyfriend. ewww. hahaha.

yay! tapos na siya. i wonder what score he got.

three years ago, i thought i have found the one. my destiny. he was charming, disarmingly sweet. it was a dream, everything seemed perfect. but true to its nature, i woke up from that dream and saw that it was all a mirage. it was perfect because i made myself believe that it was. and for quite a while confined myself to the thought that i met the one, kaya lang i was not the one for him. i thought that i would never get over it until paulo came. unknowingly, he made me realize that there is no such thing.

god sends us people that he thinks could be our probable partners in life but he leaves the judgment part to us. somehow it is predestined, but like love, it is also a decision.

last night paulo and i were talking at the porch of his house. out of nowhere asked me what month i'd want to get married. i said january. and then we made a pact. if within five years, we break up or lose contact, yet we still feel that we love each other.. we'll meet at the antipolo cathedral at 5pm on january 29 five years from now. what made it all the more sweet was that the idea was all his. except for the time and the date.

i know it's all mushy. but i don't care. i have found the one. and im decided.

im just totally pissed right now. im flaming mad, to be exact. haynako. kung baket, akin na lang yun. harumpf talag. bad trip.

i still have to work on my finance homework. im tempted to ask tita to do it, given her expertise on that stuff. but i think i'll give it a try, kahit na just to get my mind off what's pissing me off. puro off. ewan. off talaga tong araw na to.

bwiset.

naks konti lang kami sa mundong ganito. hehe.

we have been arguing for the last two days about badgie. he sent me an mms kase, with his pic. since pau gets totally pissed when he sees messages from badgie on my fone and further rants on how i don't tell him things and crap, i told pau about it. and then he got pissed and accused me of stuff. harumpf!

but that's water under the bridge now. we've talked about it na. we even talked about his exes. and other stuff about them that he shouldn't even be telling me. hehe. we were like two friends gossiping about each other's past.

i didn't like some of the things i learned about him from that talk. but then again, it's all in the past. we have our whole lives ahead of us. yeah, call me dreamy or whatever. i just feel like things will be on the brighter and lighter side for the coming days. and months. hopefully, even years.