aisa: maybe you're just afraid of growing up.

cathy: can you blame me?

...

a line from dancing through life, from the musical wicked:

But I say: why invite stress in?
Stop studying strife
And learn to live "the unexamined life"

...

the last two weeks changed my life. circumstances forced to think about things that i would normally just let my heart decide. i had to unlearn my undying habit of just going with what i feel, of putting things off until time took care of it. instead, i had to make rational decisions. i could not just say "oh well, things will fix themselves up," because i had to fix them myself.

it was stressful, simply because i wasn't used to that. i wasn't used to fixing my problems. usually i would just cry over it and say okay, it's done so let's all move on, without really dealing with the problem. come to think of it, it was my way of dealing with the problem.

there's solace in knowing for certain that you're safe. not just from physical harm, but from emotional as well. i think safe is boring. and so i told myself i'm gonna be the opposite of that. for the most of my life, i thought i was the daredevil i believed i was. i loved risks, i loved the feeling of taking leaps of faith, and for the longest time, i believed i was doing that. i even pitied those who cannot come out of their shells and take risks, because for me they lead calculated lives.

but life has a funny way of forcing you to grow. and it can shatter you, shatter your very fundamental beliefs, the very truths you have kept and held on to.

in my college yearbook write up, the last few lines said:
Madalas takot ang tao sa kahinaan na maaaring dalhin ng pagtalima sa damdamin. Siya, buong loob na dinarama ang bawat hibla ng buhay ng walang pangamba. Patuloy na nagtataya.

but now that i think about it, it's not entirely true. i take risks, but calculated ones. before i take a leap of faith i make sure there's a safety net below. before i take on a job, a responsibility, i make sure that either i can do it or there's someone who can help me when i can't handle it anymore. and even sadder, when it comes to relationships, i make sure that i am never on the losing end. and as someone very dear to me made me realize, i love but i don't really LOVE. i feel it, i say it, i try to express it, but i don't do it. i never get past myself. i say it but i don't do it. because i don't know how, because i'm scared, because i don't want to give myself away... i'm not exactly sure why. i always make sure that i'm safe. that if the relationship i'm in ends the very next day, i will be alright because from the very start, i knew it was going to end anyway.

and i detest that about me. because it's stupid, it's a waste of time, it's fake. call it self-preservation, call it defense mechanism or plain cowardice, it's plainly unacceptable. why commit when you don't intend to stay? just so i can play?

i feel like i'm the girl version of peter pan, i'm living in never never land. it's always fun, it's always exciting. i go on adventures, i get to tease pirates. i can do anything i want, i can be with anyone i want. i get to play roles, i get to play with feelings because after some time it will not matter anyway. nothing matters, except for what i feel like doing at the moment. i don't get hurt, because at never land, i'm the boss. i never never have to grow up. it can be fun, but it can get pretty shallow.

and then i visit the real world, where i meet wendy (make it the male counterpart of wendy). i invite him to my world, and he stays for a while he enjoys it. but he's not from never land, and he knows i'm not too. so he went back to the real world, and said he'll be waiting. steady, until i decide to let go of never never land. i know i want to, and have to eventually. but it's hard to let go of something so easy, something so light, something i am so used to.

on the one hand, i want to grow up. to feel real feelings, to take real risks. to be vulnerable, to really fail. and to feel real success and fulfillment because i know i really worked my ass off. on the other hand, i'm scared. i can't let go of never never land, i can't get out of my comfort zone. life there is more painless, more sure. safe. and like i told aisa, can you blame me?

...

last night i was thinking, can't i just enjoy this? even just until i graduate, please? can i dwell in never never land for a while more?

but then when do i start if i don't start now? and will i ever? besides, things get lost everyday. and there are certain things that are lost forever. i don't wanna lose my wendy. you know what i mean.

i think it's time to go out to the world where even the smallest things matter, where you're accountable for what you do. where you mean what you say, and you say what you mean. where you keep your word, and where words are strong enough to hold on to. where it's not all about me, my happiness, and my views, but about others as well. where you learn to really love. it's about time i do that.

so i guess a despedida is due, for i will be leaving never never land. i will probably be back for visits, but only as a tourist, not a resident.

malabo tong post na to, chopsuey. have so much to say, incoherent thoughts tho.

bulgar
sunday big family lunch, as always. was reading the sunday inquirer.
tito bezz: nandiyan ba yung bulgar?
cathy: bulgar?! *smirks*
tita olga: bakit, maganda naman yung bulgar ah. halos lahat ng balita totoo, kaya nga bulgar eh.

ano daw?!!! labo. for those who don't know what bulgar is, it's a local tabloid. complete with boldstar pictures, yes.

docta lurve
i've always enjoyed playing love doctor to people. i like listening to love problems and if they wanna hear it, give my two cents worth. i like it, i like doing it, but hell it felt weird giving advice to my own mother. jusko! the craziness of it all. she wrote this really long email about her lovelife, from the guy she was with after my dad up to his american boss who's currently making the moves. it was odd. really odd.

so i wrote a longer email, and i sounded like a mother telling her daughter to slow down, to think, and clear her head first. labo. made me appreciate my boyp more. it's not everyday that you find someone who constantly challenges you, makes you grow, and loves you the way you need to be loved. okay, enough mush.

tattoo!
my bestfriend got a tattoo na! and im sure as hell inggit! we both want our tattoos to be in alibata. my name in alibata, and his.. i don't remember. hehehe. damn you, hindi mo ko hinintay.



merry christmas!
went to the grocery kanina, and as i passed by the blind singers, they were singing have yourself a merry little christmas. i loved their rendition. made me feel warm all over. made me feel like i was in the movie love actually, actually.

hapi pasko to everyone! il be posting my christmas wishlist soon. hahaha.

cos before you know where you are, there you are.


sige, biased na kung biased, pero ang ganda ng play namin. press night kagabi. for those who do not know, BlueREP has a production, Merrily We Roll Along . (watch! watch!)

sobra siyang timely for us graduating seniors. mapapaisip ka talaga about what you want to happen in your life. yes, i know that's actually what we seniors think about half the time, what we wanna do after we graduate, where we're gonna work and all that. but merrily adds more questions. it's not just about reaching for your dreams. it asks how do you get there? and while you are on your way to reaching it, will you bend or sway or change your path?

sabi nga ni chari, our director, sa pep talk niya before the show started lastnight, merrily is about dreams and compromise. (or something like that.. i don't remember mabuti cos i was writing down announcements.) on the way to reaching our dreams, we would have to compromise things. but we have to be careful about our choices and the decisions we make because we might end up somewhere we didn't want to be in the first place.

sobra akong nakarelate kasi ako, i wanted to be a writer when i was younger. pero i got disinterested and didn't continue to hone my craft (uy craft daw!) because i know that writing won't really make me rich. so i gave up on that dream, maaga pa. i thought i'll work muna and get me some money and then i'll write. tapos i also want to be in production, whether tv, movie, or theater. pero shempre when you do that you have to start at the bottom.

i'm scared na i might end up working at a call center just because i want to earn money soonest. no offense to those who work there, i have nothing against call centers nor am i belittling them. it's just that it's not my dream. and im afraid that if i start compromising, that if i said sige one year lang, just for experience or for money, i might end up doing that my whole life. stuck in a well-paying but unfulfilling job. and when im old and gray, i might ask myself, how did i get here? is this what i wanted out of life?

when we were brainstorming about the tagline for the poster, gabs suggested this line: where you are isn't always where you were headed. we didn't use it because it was negative daw, so we stuck with we can change the world. but i like it. it may be a bit negative, but it reminds you to be more cautious, to be more aware. minsan kasi we get so immersed in the moment that we forget to step back and see where we are and where we're going. sige na, masyado na nga sigurong namimilosopo, pero kailangan talagang tumigil at magmunimuni. hindi lang para maintindihan mabuti ang sarili at ang mga nangyayari pero para kapag nagpatuloy ka, alam mo kung bakit mo ginagawa at kung papaano mo gagawin. mas may kabuluhan ang lahat.

the play unfolds reverse chronologically, it starts in the 70s and ends in the 50s. and like one bluerepper said (i forgot who), it's pretty sad na kailangan pang baligtarin ang takbo ng storya para lang happy ending. me punto siya. pero sa tingin ko, hindi lang yung para happy ang ending. it is to remind the audience of a time when we were all full of dreams and we still had the drive to pursue them. and that we still can purse them, kung gugustuhin lang natin.

tend your dreams... dreams take time.