sadomasochist

I see your picture,
I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care and I miss you.

ten days today. longest so far, huh? i hope things are great in Miarayon, i bet you're nostalgic and in high spirits. i remember you saying (in that Guidon article that featured you) that you find God in Miarayon. i wish i was there with you than here freezing my fingers, writing you a letter that you won't get to read anyway.

when i told them that i wanted to go home earlier, they all said that it's probably because i miss you. i wanted to protest, i wanted to tell them that i wanted to go home not just because i miss you. i wanted to tell them that i am unhappy in this house, that most things turned out to be disappointing, that i'm tired of putting up a happy front. that the reason why i stay up till five in the morning isn't really jetlag, but because i feel most comfortable when i'm alone.

while you're there finding God in Miarayon, i'm here finding out that family does not always mean ohana. lilo said that ohana means nobody gets left behind. but the truth of the matter is that we all move on, and being family does not guarantee that you won't get left behind. i'm realizing, in a very ironic way, that all we really have is ourselves.

but then i have you. and i know that when you say something, you will keep your word. you really are a gift, you know? because just when i was losing faith in people, i remember you. just when i was about to put my guards up, i remember you. recent disappointments pushed me to think twice about trusting other people's words, but then you (and aisa, while chatting in YM) remind me of the beauty of trusting, of taking risks.

you are my favorite risk. and i can say for certain that you are the most beautiful thing in my life. do not ever go.

sadomasochist

had dinner at the cheesecake factory with my dad, my four half-sibs, an my kuya jr. grabe we had to wait for more than an hour just to get seated. my dad lent us his credit card and told us (me, faye, and francia) to go shopping while they're waiting. it was such fun, bonding with my other two sisters. we all wished bebe was there, then there will be four of us bustos girls shopping for shoes.

afterwards, we went bowling in the yerba buena gardens. it was the bustos girls vs the bustos boys. dad just watched and ate mint lifesavers. walking back to the parking lot, we all wished bebe and kuya louie was there. then dad's kids would've been complete, all eight of us.

.

pickies!

alam mo ba yung boyband na yun? color me badd? bata pa ko nun eh. anyway, this isn't about that. i had my hair colored today.

before and after. hehehe.

hair you go! vain na kung vain, tabulas ko to!

sadomasochist

there's only one nikki in my life, and right now, she doesn't hate me but she's a little nagtatampo.

nix! there are no excuses for what i did, and i'm boinking my head right now for forgetting. i have so many utangs sa'yo.. we haven't gone out for your birthday, my birthday, my grad. yoyo and i were talking on the fone about you the other day and honestly, i thought i told you that i was leaving. i mean, what person would forget to tell her best friend that she's going out of the country?

argh. i'm just so stupid. and forgetful and out of my mind. and i haven't been around for you like i should. and i'm sorry. will you ever forgive me?

nikkidoo, yellow four won't be anything without pink five. forgive me.

i feel old.

went to galera over the weekend and found myself being sick of alcohol, getting bored with the nightlife, and wanting to curl up in bed and read a book. the only salvation i got was from the small fishies i saw and the endless tumbles from the banana boat. it was the only time i felt alive, aside from the balot-hunting and ice scramble+indian mango food trips that JM and i did. other times i was just a stranger in an even stranger island. (btw, i don't get all the hype that puerto galera is getting, but then again maybe it's just me.)

.

these days i'd rather stay home and stare blankly in space. i've had enough of tv and pirated dvds. i have managed to ignore text messages, calls, emails, even the summons of my blog to write down all of the things i've been feeling, thinking, wondering about. lately i find myself wanting to be alone and doing just that, if i can help it.

i find myself detaching. even from things and persons that used to mean the world to me. i myself don't understand why, but i feel like i just want to be alone - be away from everyone - even for just a while.

i guess you could say im tired. i'm burning out, and all i can and want to do is watch myself in flames, waiting for the fire to end and turn into ash. i don't have a death wish, if that's what you're thinking. i just want to end this phase and maybe, hopefully, start anew.

maybe i'm just pointing fingers, maybe it's true. i feel like pinole did this to me. there were so many truths i saw and learned there, and most of them hurt me. but to not honor truths in order to continue living the rosy life you lead is nothing but a ruse. although pinole has opened some doors for me, it also gave me disappointments. mostly from people that i love, and that hurts most.

i guess i'm learning about how hard life can be. it's difficult to accept, especially for an idealist like me. i may be all cynic and jaded and all that but as of late, i realize how much of an idealist i am. and it's not bad to be one, it's just hurtful when you realize that the world isn't the way you thought it was.

.

jope and i were talking about scheler's intimate person person the other day in a cafe. (well he was doing the talking and i did listening because he was explaining something to me.) i don't know if what i'm saying here is in anyway related to the intimate person thing, and because you can only do that with love i wouldn't want to share my intimate person with you, no offense meant. but he said that when you open up your intimate person, it's like showing someone your wound. you don't want anyone to touch it, blow it, or whatever. you're just showing it. anything that they say or do won't do anything to help, because it will have to heal by itself.

right now, i'm like that. a wound. and i can only heal through time, by myself.

sadomasochist

i.

ako nga yung nakita niyo sa wowowee kanina. eh, si kuya jr kasi eh. gusto daw  niya manood. ayun, ako ang napahamak. hehe. wowowee, sinong di mawiwili?

ii.

it's too damn hard to be not okay with you after so long a time. and you know how i'm always half scared that we might not be okay anymore everytime things like this happen.

crying has never been as liberating though. i find comfort in tears, for i don't have to think anymore.

nakakapanibago lang na maging malungkot kapag naiiisip ka.