stolen from gabs who stole it from lee:

Pick a band + Answer using only titles of their songs.

i choose you: stevie wonder

+ Are you male or female: isn't she lovely
+ Describe yourself: boogie on reggae woman
+ How do some people feel about you: too shy to say
+ How do you feel about yourself: you haven't done nothin'
+ Describe your ex: part-time lover
+ Describe your views on your significant other: i can't imagine love without you
+ Describe what you want: higher ground
+ Describe how you live: we can work it out
+ Describe how you love: signed, sealed, delivered (i'm yours)
+ Share a few words of wisdom: time to love, hold on to your dream

. isa pa! .

i choose you: U2

+ Are you male or female: angel of harlem
+ Describe yourself: big girls are best
+ How do some people feel about you: lady with the spinning head
+ How do you feel about yourself: two shots of happy, one shot of sad
+ Describe your ex: original of the species
+ Describe your views on your significant other: even better than the real thing
+ Describe what you want: love and peace or else
+ Describe how you live: running to stand still
+ Describe how you love: the sweetest thing
+ Share a few words of wisdom: some days are better than the others

sadomasochist

best friends forever.

i don't remember how many times i've said it or wrote it down in a letter, but i'm pretty sure i've said it a couple of dozen times to different people. i meant it at the time, yeah, but like most promises, not all were kept.

this morning a friend called me to ask if it ever happened to me, if i ever grew out of a friendship. you wouldn't believe how many of my (best) friends hate me now, thinking that i have forgotten them. see, i didn't forget them, neither do i love them less. situations change, people grow, and well, that's that.

i don't think i'm a worthless friend, but maybe to others i am. blame me for wanting to keep things real. i don't want fake hugs and fake air kisses and fake introductions as "the bestfriend" just because we are too polite to admit and say that well, we have grown apart, that we don't have the slightest idea how life has been for each other. and since i'm being honest (and a little gauche) here, maybe i don't give a shit.

some friends you grow out of, and that's the end of that. some things can't be relived and are better kept for reminiscing.

but some friends you keep. in retrospect, i have found that most of the ones i keep are the low-maintenance ones. you don't have to move the world to show them you love them, because they already know you would if you had to. you don't have to update them with every little thing that's happening to you because they already know. they know you. and you both know that what you have is real.

no need to say BFF.

it sucks when some people fuck things up for you, but it sucks even more when you fuck things up all by yourself.

sucks most when you know you had your chance but you fucked it all up. and you can't do anything about it.

you can't even say what it's about because hell, it's damn shallow and well, you actually said it's okay. but yeah, maybe it means that much to you.

i guess there are things that you just have to let go. (but damn, i almost had it. i almost friggin had it but i had to fuck things up. ah.)

.

(second part edited. sorry, no more tickets.)

sadomasochist

mahilig akong magpamasahe. masokista kasi ata talaga ako. maraming beses na akong nagpamasahe, mapa-spa, beach, home service, nasubukan ko na. sarap ng pakiramdam pagkatapos, para kang lumulutang. pero minsan naman bwisit lang talaga.

warning lang, wag kayong magtitiwala sa mga masahista sa beach.

.

bad trip magpamasahe sa puerto galera. una, bawal na raw magpamasahe sa kuwarto, sa me buhanginan lang puede. okay sana, kung hindi punong-puno ng tao ang beach. eh ni wala ka ng matapakan, puro tao! pangalawa, nagkalat ang mga masahista. kahit sino na lang, basta me t-shirt na me pangalan sa likod nila, masahista na.

nung bakasyon, nagpunta kaming magkakapatid (sabit ang 3 kaibigan) sa puerto galera. may kilala raw yung kapatid ko na masahista, magaling raw kaya naman sabi ko magpamasahe kami. anak ng! ewan ko kung pagod na ba siya o wala lang talaga sa sarili kasi parang pumipisil lang siya ng paninda sa palengke. kung anu-anong pagpipindot at paglalamutak ang ginawa sa akin! at hindi pa diyan nagtatapos ang disaster. hala, sige minasahe ang mukha ko, eh puro buhangin ang kamay niya! at ang pinakamalala niyan, tinuluan pa niya ako ng baby oil sa mata! buti na lang nakapikit ako kundi, naku, nasoplak na siya sakin.

bad trip talaga. come to think of it, olats talaga ang puerto galera. ang liit ng mga pseudo-hotel, hindi na malinaw ang tubig, punong-puno pa ang beach dahil sa sobrang daming tao (pero one in a million ang may itsura). parang sm megamall kapag malapit na ang pasko.

.

pagkatapos ng horrendous experience ko sa kamay ng masahista sa puerto galera, akala ko makakabawi na ako sa bora. pagkatapos naming mag-sunbathing ni jope kinontrata na namin yung masseuse ng red coconut, massage after dinner. 

excited pa naman ako. bago magsimula yung masahista, tinanong niya ako:

"buntis ho ba kayo? baka ho kasi malaglagan kayo eh."

wow naman, ayos! ewan ko kung nagbibiro lang ba siya o seryosong nagtatanong. napa-inhale tuloy ako sa hiya sabay sabing "hindi po, busog lang po ako."

hayayayay.

.

natuto na ko. dapat sa mapagkakatiwalaang spa lang. last week bumisita kami ni jope sa the spa. ay, sarap. bumalik ang tiwala ko sa mga masahista.

.

eh kung subukan ko kaya sa bulag?

sadomasochist

it was after watching an episode of sex and the city - the one where carrie googled petrovsky or some other lover - that i first tried to google jope. he was yet to be my (boy)friend then, just a former professor i had a huge crush on. i had no idea who he was, apart from the three hours per week i had with him on my first term, junior year. i found his old tripod website and my god, it was damn funny. i fell for him even more.

earlier this evening i asked him about the stuff we did for the first time together and we recapped about a year of firsts. skim boarding, 168, dress up dinners, jet ski, globe platinum theater, engagement, hay there are so many. but the best first was what started it all: falling in love with someone we barely knew.

anyway, back to google-ing, i googled him again tonight and found websites/blogs of his former and current students. made me proud that he's touching lives, making a difference, turning tides. i'm glad that a lot of them do appreciate what he's doing because he puts his heart into this. he is what he teaches, a living, breathing example of what he says in class. he loves these kids and he cares about them. whenever he tells me about a good day at work, he gleams.

i don't really know how to end this, i really meant to write something about google-ing people, but i am so proud of jope that i'd rather stop here and just make this post all about him.

sadomasochist

through an email, yoyo asked me if i still loved him, even with all the changes, bullshit, and everything that has happened to him since he left a couple of years ago for the states. without a doubt, i do and that hasn't changed.

for those who don't know, yoyo is my best friend since kinder. he left for the states three years ago and now he's with the US air force. airman buhay.

when he asked me that question, that was the only time i realized how much we have grown and how different we are from who we were the last time that we were together. but no matter how much we've changed, it didn't change how much we love each other, how we're still each other's safe place.

and then i thought about life after october 8, and although i'm still crying, i found a new hope. life as we know it will never be the same again, but that does not mean we will stop loving.

sure, it will of course change. i will miss jope's incessant nonsense knock knock jokes, his funny, weird and sometimes nakakainis experiences in class, his unshaven chin, and the comfortable silence we share together.

i will miss helping out bebe with her baking, picking her up at the lrt station, telling rodney to take a bath and clean up, listening to tita about her day at work and sleeping beside her as i have the last fifteen years of my life.

i cry a little each night as the day grows near. i dread being so far away from the life i love. but then there's hope, for those things will never be gone. love is forever.

sadomasochist

tutuban at 168, puede. pero divisoria? no.

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eight more days in to go. you understand why i don't get to blog no more, don't you?